An acquaintance recently asked me what my deal-breakers are for a guy that I would date. Strange that I've made it to the ripe age of 34 and never once considered writing out a list of what the deal-breakers might be. I don't even know what my *must-haves* and *nice-to-haves* would be?
It got me to thinking if I do have any specific must-haves... or deal-breakers, for that matter. The latter is easier than the former. Also, perhaps it's my lack of depth, but when I consider what the character traits of the ideal guy might be... I seem to get stuck on superficial characteristics.
Must-have: >5'10", self-confident, college graduate, athlete, ambitious, brainiac, good kisser, holds his date's hand
Nice-to-have: Ivy league college graduate, blonde, >6'2", loves kids, well-travelled, american, shaves his legs, good grammar
Deal-breakers: G.U. (geographically undesirable), arrogant, married, smoker, parties past midnight frequently
Pretty superficial, huh? In fact, half of the list above is just a label for something deeper... which of course, I won't let myself voice?!?!? Naturally, I'm not at all convinced that this is my list... college graduate is a social mnemonic for rigorous thinking or strong work ethic. Shaves legs clearly marks the dude out as a cyclist ;-)
This personal insight is probably what keeps me away from online dating sites such as match.com. Despite the creative, truthful blurb that each guy writes, I read an online profile and boil down that guy into a series of superficialities and labels so I can pigeon-hole him into a comprehensible *box* in my mind. Ironically, in person I'm attracted to the guys that I can't *pigeon-hole*, guys that possess a set of juxta-posing traits that I can't nail down but which makes them all the more irresistible!
Upon further thought I remembered a quote from a friend of a friend that was recently married. When asked why she thought that this guy was *the one*, her response was: "he just doesn't bug me". Is that enough of a reason to marry someone? A lot of guys that I've dated in the past have bugged me for one reason or another...? Is she on to something?
Over Thanksgiving, I hung out with a guy for 4 straight days... and he didn't bug me for a second. I didn't even question any choices he made, things he did, we just hung out and had fun. Yeah, 4 days is not a long time for someone you barely know. It's all very new and exciting. I brought up the topic with a girlfriend and she quoted her *must-have* as a "guy that wants to be with me" and then suggested I download Nikka Costa's song, "I gotta know".
The achingly-sung chorus lyrics are as follows: "Because I've been so strong for so long, never needed anyone but my strength is wearing out my heart, so I'm letting my guard down because I feel like I finally found somebody... that I gotta know"
It couldn't be further from how I behave in relationships. I let my guard down and get hurt every time! I clearly need to come up with a better "screen" for relationship material than "he just doesn't bug me". Where should I set the bar? This will continue to be a work in progress...
Halee emailed me this quote the day after I wrote the above blog: "Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."
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3 comments:
From a gf:
"I liked reading your list of must-haves, nice-to-haves and deal-breakers. They make sense for you. I came up with a list for myself (see below). I hope we both find the perfect guy!!
Must-haves:
- 5'9" of height
- Intelligence (ability to think more important than formal
education)
- Reliable
- Fun-loving
- Wants to be around me as much as I want to be around him (chemistry)
Nice-to-have:
- 6'0" of height
- Longish wavy hair (think surfer/snowboarder)
- Likes to party past midnight (at least on occassion)
- Likes to try new things and has an "up-for-anything" attitude
- Able to identify the title & artist of obscure 80's songs
Deal-Breakers
- Shorter than me
- Married to someone else (obviously!)
- Competes in triathlons or some similar sport and talks about it at length
- Takes himself too seriously"
now here's what a guy friend just wrote me:
I agree about the “not bugging you part”. It’s important to be in a relationship in which the little things don’t bug you as there are plenty of larger issues you will both face.
For what it’s worth, I had a common feeling with each of the 3 girls I have truly loved. They all had characteristics that I didn’t love, interests and ideas that I didn’t share, and certainly plenty of times when they bugged me.
However, each day and moment spent with them I grew closer and loved them more. The love that I felt increased despite the differences. So it turned out that it wasn’t the things that we had in common but how available we made ourselves to one another. It’s hard to grow together unless you both let yourself open to the other. Those relationships didn’t work out for various reasons, but it certainly wasn’t from a loss of attraction or a diminishing love on either side. They were all so painful to walk away from.
Now the trick is to find the person that you want to do this with. In this case you have to have it in your mind the type of person you are going to meet. You have to have the positive intention that you are going to meet someone that you can love. If you think “I will never meet a person” or “I am afraid of getting hurt”, I believe those things will come true. Meaning you won’t meet someone or you will get hurt. Instead my thought would be “when I least expect it someone is going to walk into my life and I am going to make myself emotionally available.”
Just remember how amazing your life is, the things you have in it right now. One day you will turn a corner, meet someone and your life will change.
Another (guy) friend sent me this email:
Your blog:
Must-have - I've got them all
Nice-to-have: Ivy league college graduate (not yet), blonde (nope), >6'2" (so sorry), loves kids (I've got that! I love my nephews! 2 and 4), well-travelled (uh, probably not, but I'm very cosmopolitan for an isolated American), american (that's easy), shaves his legs (nope, not opposed to it, just too lazy), good grammar (in conversation or written comunique; I'd say no, but I'm a critic)
Deal-breakers: G.U. (geographically undesirable) ????, arrogant(I can be; some call it confidence), married(not yet), smoker(only when I get really drunk with certain people in the Air Force), parties past midnight frequently (:-) )
I love this quote. Halee seems wise to me.
Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her.
It's eerie, the part about staying awake to watch a girl sleep. I've done that! I was just thinking about that this morning. I've never heard anybody else talk about that. I would never mention that to my guy friends. My past girlfriends look hottest in sweats and casual clothes. I think girls are sexiest in the morning after sleeping all night.
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