having it all... or not

the following came about in an email exchange that i'd been having with a dear friend... i sent him a snap email voicing some frustrations i'm having in my current *world* and then we went back and forth until i finally wrote the following

i've been struggling in the last few weeks because i spent 5 months in london, desperately wanting to be back in san francisco... and now that i'm back i'm not particularly happy. it's driving me a little batty... i suspect that the unhappiness is being generated by my usual *tricks* of trying to run before i can walk... basically, impatience.

don't get me wrong, i am deliriously happy that i am here in sf. there is nowhere else i want to be living right now, i am excited to be back among my friends, and for the most part i am enjoying the new job... but there are several underlying things that seem to be frustrating me.

work - i am not yet in control or on top of things in my role. this issue will just take time and requires me to build my confidence in the role, seize control of projects etc. my current annoyance is that i become bitter/frustrated when i can't get out of the office when i plan to because something comes up. i have a huge capacity for work but i have a hard time working from 5am and then not getting out of the office until 4-5pm, even if i had planned on leaving at 3pm. i guess i need to just leave and then pick things up again later in the evening... as well as try to eradicate the guilt i feel when i leave the office at 3pm!

training - i am desperate to get back in shape, especially on the bike, but also swim/run. i'm getting in some decent training, 8-10 hours of riding/week plus 3 hours each of swim/run. however, it's going really slowly... and i'm sick of folks not realizing that it will take me some time. maybe it's in my head (it's not, i'm a data geek, remember), but i am not getting stronger in leaps and bounds... it is miniscule increments. it feels like everyone expects me to be back riding with the group again, and are shocked when i roll off the back fairly easily on hills. how long does it take to come back from a 6 month break from riding? i guess it's a lot longer than 1 month... will i even be in shape for IMK?

romantic - let's not even go here... this has been a non-event anyway since i got back from london since the above two have taken precedence and i have not met anyone or even attempted to... however, i want to give it more of a priority in 2007, i'm just not sure how i can do so. i've never had a successful relationship when i've tried to *force it*, as it were. i prefer the attitude of just letting things happen, though that is counter to my natural disposition... so in that scenario, if i do meet someone, i don't appear interested initially, but i end up behaving like a knucklehead (technical term!) if i begin to like someone. this is not making any sense, huh? the other frustration is that, if i'm going to do the work/training to a level that makes me happy, then how can i put any focus on this...?

friends - this is the *deliriously happy* part... but my frustrations at the above 3 things will start to bleed into my friendships and drag them down if i can't figure out a way of managing my life and lifestyle without feeling bitter about the compromises and lack of control...