Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Heartbroken rap by *The Real Emcee JC*

Hi! My name is…(what?) My name is… (who?)
My name is…(scratches) Emcee JC
Hi! My name is…(what?) My name is… (who?)
My name is…(scratches) Emcee JC

Hi Friend! Do you like affairs of the heart? (yeah! Yeah! Yeah!)
Wanna hear the report of the white boy New Yorker and the Brit-girl tart? (uh-huh!)
Watch ‘em swim, bike, run at Wildflower
She displayed native grace but then matched his cycle power
Then ladies stranded on the return from Alpine Dam
Responds to a lifeline call, he becomes a hero, more than a man
Bonded further wit’ Phil and Paul’s banter at the Tour de France
Blown away by the cyclist they just call Lance
Charmed by his humor and a soft spot for his balding pate
Hmmm, could this dude be more than a running mate?
Briefly distracted by 6’5” Sebastian, the silver medalist
Cute, tall. But skinny-legged Pete is funny. The Olympian is jettisoned
She learns to swim, he teased like she’s doing the Macarena
Still, she’s hoping he just might want to date her
Partner in pain during the century they call the World’s Toughest
Rejecting World Series tix, he became the World’s Meanest

Triathlon roadtrips, fat tire fraternal ‘ventures at Slickrock
Chink in emotional armor; huggin’, kissin, even sucking his c***
Wear down and exhaust his powers of resistance
Cavin’ finally to her foolish persistence
Heart’s dead weight, tryin’ to get her emotions straight
‘Cause back in SF, he doesn’t want her as a date
Halloween! Coyote Ugly is shimmying and shaking her small booty
Turnaround in San Diego, he finds banana girl more fruity
How can it be? SoCal is all smiles, sex and affection
Reverse direction. In SF, it transforms into unspoken rejection
Friends said, JC, yeah, we see he’s a fool
But stickin’ around just ain’t cool
Stop the sufferin’, the hot chick’s movin’ on
Fucked up commitment issues have finally won
I’m so sorry if this all strikes too close to home
Trust me, it’s in jest, you’ve unleashed my funny bone

***************
Original lyrics by the Real Slim Shady
[ Chorus ] x 2
Hi! My name is...(what?) My name is...(who?)
My name is...‹scratches› Slim Shady
Hi! My name is...(huh?) My name is...(what?)
My name is...‹scratches› Slim Shady

[ Intro ] (during above chorus)
‹clears throat› Excuse me!
Can I have the attention of the class
For one second?

Hi kids! Do you like violence? (yeah! yeah! yeah!)
Wanna see me stick Nine Inch Nails through each one of my eyelids? (uh-huh!)
Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did? (yeah! yeah!)
Try 'cid and get fucked up worse than my life is? (huh?)
My brain's dead weight, I'm tryin' to get my head straight
But I can't figure out which Spice Girl I want to impregnate (umm)
And Dr. Dre said ([Dre] Slim Shady, you a basehead)
Uh-uhh! ([Dre] So why's your face red? Man you wasted!)
Well, since age 12 I've felt like I'm someone else
Cause I hung my original self from the top bunk with a belt
Got pissed off and ripped Pamela Lee's tits off ‹rip›
And smacked her so hard I knocked her clothes backwards like Kris Kross
I smoke a fat pound of grass and fall on my ass
Faster than the fat bitch who sat down too fast (whoaa!)
C'mere slut (Shady wait a minute, that's my girl dawg!)
I don't give a fuck, God sent me to piss the world off

[ Chorus ]

My English teacher wanted to flunk me in junior high
Thanks a lot, next semester I'll be 35
I smacked him in his face wit an eraser, chased him with a stapler
And stapled his nuts to a stack of papers (ooww!)
Walked in a strip club, had my jacket zipped up
Flashed the bartender, then stuck my dick in the tip cup
Extra-terrestrial, runnin' over pedestrians
In a space-ship while they screamin' at me (let's just be friends!)
Ninety-nine percent of my life I was lied to
I just found out my mom does more dope than I do (damn)
I told her I'd grow up to be a famous rapper
Make a record about doin' drugs and name it after her (oh thank you!)
You know you blew up when the women rush the stands
And try to touch your hands like some screamin' Usher fans ‹squeals›
This guy at White Castle asked for my autograph (Dude, can I get your autograph?)
So I signed it: "Dear Dave, Thanks for the support-ASSHOLE!"

[ Chorus ]

Stop the tape! This kid needs to be locked away! (get him!)
Dr. Dre don't just stand there, operate!
I'm not ready to leave, it's too scary to die (fuck that)
I'll have to be carried inside the cemetary and buried alive (aiyo)
Am I comin' or goin'? I can barely decide
I just drank a fifth of vodka-dare me to drive? (go ahead)
All my life I was very deprived
I ain't had a woman in years, my palms are too hairy to hide (whoops)
Clothes ripped like the Incredible Hulk
I spit when I talk ‹hochs, spits›
I'll fuck anything that walks (c'mere)
When I was little I used to get so hungry I would throw fits
How you gonna breast-feed me Mom (wah!) you ain't got no tits! (wah!)
I lay awake and strap myself in the bed
Put a bulletproof vest on and shoot myself in the head (BANG)
I'm steamin' mad ‹growl› and by the way when you see my dad (yeah?)
Tell him I slit his throat-in this dream I had

[ Chorus ] x 2

Friday, December 12, 2003

Top 10 reasons to ride in the rain

10. It's invigorating and you're a warrior.
9. The amazing cloud patterns in the Bay Area create awesome lighting scenarios
8. Opportunity to wear all that wet weather cycling gear you purchased at Sports Basement
7. No one else is out there
6. Ralph’s is only 4 weeks away
5. The McCullough Road hill in the Headlands is pretty sheltered from wind and rain
4. The weather in San Francisco is so localized it might not be raining the other side of the bridge
3. Cycling in the rain is still more enjoyable than swimming
2. Feeling of triumph as you weave by the SUV commuters picking up their lattés at Starbucks on Polk St
1. Lance would be riding

Plus a couple of bonus reasons…

Seeing your pedal stroke reflected from the water on the road below.

Hearing that 'ssssssssss' sound as 23mm of rubber slice through the thin layer of rain.